Spikes Journal
by Awatcher2
Summary: Spike remembers his history with Buffy. Starts from when they met to when they broke up. He's writing in his log about their times together, good and bad.


Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer does not belong to me, It all belongs to Joss Weadon. 

Authors Note: I want to thank. Tsunami for editing this first portion of Spikes Journal. I apprciate your help.

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The big break up.

I started keeping my little log some time ago. I jot down stuff once in awhile. But tonight's different. I've gone through a pack of smokes, and half a bottle of 90 proof drink I don't feel the pain numbing. I can't get her out of my head. She broke up with me again. Not the first time she's done it, but what if she means it this time? What am I going to do without her?

She's my passion, my soul, my blood. Why did she do it? Why did she break up with me? I said I wouldn't tell her friends. Keep it secret and all. Like it was some stupid fling, shameful little thing, that had to be kept hidden.

And her. Always coming to me anytime of the day or night. And I never refused her anything, not once. So why did she do it?

I love her. Said it a billion times. But she never believes me. And now that she does believe me, she still breaks up with me... she still breaks up with me. What am I going to do without her? I'm a shell of the man I once was. She's in here, my heart and my head. It doesn't beat no more, so why does it hurt then? I miss her like crazy. The way she always got violent, upset and crazy. The way she made it hurt in all the right places, and all the right ways. I miss how she smells. Don't care if she smells like a burger factory. Love her, and everything that comes with it good and bad. Sometimes it seems that there's just all this bad. But we've had our good moments too. We've had a lot of moments.

I've been there for so many of hers.

Wish I didn't have this sodding chip in my head. Then I could show her. She thinks I'm evil. Said she couldn't love me. Didn't say she didn't love me, just that she couldn't. If I had the chip out, then I could prove to her that I can be... I can be the man she wants.

How many times have I shown her that she can trust me? But she still breaks up with me.

That's what I should do, you know. I should really piss her off. I should tell all her bleeding friends bout us, that's what I should do. Yeah then we would see. See how she likes it. Having her emotions and feelings played with.

We keep going round the same bend. Never moving forward. I want to move forward with her, if she'd only let me. I want to do everything for her. But she won't see that. She won't let me get close enough.

Thought soldier boy Riley, had the better deal. She let's me take comfort in her body, and she in mine. But she's never here, not fully, or sometimes only for a few moments. I know I said I wasn't complaining, but who am I kidding. I want more from her. This isn't working for me either. I don't want to go on like this, but what choice do I have? She makes and breaks the rules as she likes, but she lets me have her. Be with her. It's not ideal, but it's better than being without. Than doing without her. Her smell, touch, and taste. She has great skin.

I need more drink, this isn't numbing the pain. 80 proof my ass. Seems more like plain water. The pain's not going no place. Still here, this empty place where she used to be. I have to get her back. We've had so many moments together. I can name everyone of them.

Even ones she don't even know bout. She is everywhere and in everything. Being at the crypt is killing me knowing she might never be here again. I need her back. I remember the first time I saw her. Wanted to kill her back then, I did. I was with Dru back then. But I remember her on the dance floor. How she looked. How she moved. How she swayed. Then I remember when I teamed up with her, to save the world. Dru never forgave me for that. I saw her and I said hello cutie, she punched me and tried to stake me. But I made her see reason, and even then while we were bitter enemies, we worked well together. Double teamed Dru and Angelus. I was there when her mom found out about her slaying. Couldn't believe she'd never told her mom about that. Her mom was nice. Joyce was always real nice. Even after she remembered that, she'd taken an ax to my head for trying to kill them. I left with Dru. She stopped Angelus from taking over the world. I saw the now leaving Sunnydale sign, and that should have been it right? That should have been the last of it.

Then Dru broke up with me. What did I do? I could have gone anywhere in the world. But no. I had to come back to bleeding Sunnydale, to her, and her torture and her abuse. Dru was right. I do taste like ashes. I'm all burnt up inside. Why did I come back here? To her. I must have sensed it. I didn't know it then. I thought I came back to get a spell for my break up with Dru. Or to tell the slayer off. Her and her hoity toity little high horse. I was going to tell her off good and proper. And her and Angel, carrying on like that. Set them straight I did. I might be loves bitch, but I am always going to be man enough to admit it.

It's so true what I told them though. All of it. Love's not brains, it's blood. Blood screaming, to do it's will. Mine is roaring, and everything inside is telling me to go after her. But don't see what good it would do, after she stakes me I'd still be miserable without her. Only difference is, I'd be a big miserable pile of dust. She called me William, you know. What's that suppose to mean? She's called me a lot of other things, most of them worst, guess I should be glad she called me something decent this time. I can't even hate her the way she did it. Just all proper like, I can't love you. It's killing me. She must a known. Anything that would hurt her would hurt me. I'd never cause her pain like that. So I let her go. If that's what she really wants, then I let her go. But she don't know what she wants. Half the time she's up, when she should be down, and down when she should be up.

She's a puzzle most times. But for a while she was my puzzle, and I loved playing with all the pieces. Assembling them and disassembling them. She's the kind of puzzle you never keep in the box. You always want to be taking it out, and putting the pieces back together, just so you could make sure it was real. She was my puzzle, for a bit. Now all the pieces are gone. Just me here now. This sodden chip, this bottle of whiskey, and my smokes. But no her. Just the empty walls of the crypt. Good thing this heart don't beat, it would break right through my chest it would. Smash and bounce into everything around it, it would. And it would do it all for her. Why won't she love me back? I need her in my life.

Only one good thing this chip ever did for me. Made me her tame little puppy, else we would have killed each other, before... before I knew. Before I really knew, how I felt bout her. I don't know why she didn't kill me when I showed up at her door. Would have been so easy too. She could have staked me. Could have pulled my blanket away. Then I would have been good and dusted. Then this pain, this suffering would have fully been over with. But she didn't. And we've been going at it ever since. Fighting like cats and dogs. But loving like...(god. I do miss her. Nothing numbs the pain.)

Now I know how Red felt, when wolf boy left. Wish I could cast some spell right now, make all this pain go away. Make her come back to me. But I don't want her back like that. I want her wanting me. Needing me like I need her. I remember when Red cast that spell. Boy that was something. We thought we were all getting married and things. That was something to see. Should have seen her. She was all over her big bad. Couldn't get enough of me. I couldn't get enough of her. We were inseparable. She talked about our wedding plans you know. I know it was only a spell. But I remember it. I loved her then too. Thought it was all Red fault. But maybe the spell just showed me what was going to happen all along. Now here we are.

I fell in love with her then and I'm in love with her now. She's what I wanted before I even knew I wanted it. It's like the universe had this planned all along and now here we are participating in this little joke.

She really got into preparing for that wedding.

She wanted Wind beneath my sodding wings for the first dance. She would have looked so cute too. Should have seen her. All dum dum da da. Warming up my blood for me, treating me like a man wants to be treated.

But she was adorable, and all refusing to give up her slayer duties. She wanted to know what name I wanted engraved on our wedding invitations. She even asked Ripper to give her away. I was worse. Called him my father-in-law. But she was so great.

We couldn't stop snogging the whole time. Kissing her is like kissing no one else. Feeling her in my grasp, her body up against mine.

Why did she do it?


End file.
